I've heard it time in and time out over the years.... breastfeeding is a commitment of the heart. And I've always sort of screwed up my nose, thinking "it's natural, so why's is such a commitment?"
Well, now I understand.
It's startling when this little creature is born and completely reliant on you, that suddenly you are willing, in the blink of an eye, to go to the ends of the earth (maybe beyond) to provide the best for them. So, naturally, when I read that breastfeeding is BY FAR the best thing for your child, I was simply the route that I was going to go.
I have big boobs, so it should be easy... right?!?!
Well, then I start talking breastfeeding with people. I found out that I was formula fed because I was sick when born and my mom couldn't bear having this horribly unhappy child that was too weak to suckle at first. Plus, at the time, they told the moms that formula was better than breastmilk. I also have talked to people who are on the whole spectrum from 'breastfeeding nazis' to those who did not want to impact their time by breastfeeding so started formula right away for convenience. But again, all the research says that you should breastfeed as long as you can... that it's the right thing to do... that most women should be able to breastfeed, especially if they are willing to stick it out.
In hospital I learned alot. I knew Jamie and I both had to learn how to have a good "breastfeeding relationship" so I just kept telling myself that we would get the hang of it. But she had trouble latching, and she seemed distressed, and I didn't really have a clue what I was doing. Sure, I tried the things I'd read about in books and online, but that didn't translate well to the real world. And the nurses would just come into my room, grab and squeeze my boob, grab Jamie's head and push the two apart until she latched (not a good latch) and then leave us to it. Soon I was in agony, blistered and bleeding. Why didn't anyone tell me the agony that breastfeeding could cause?
I felt like I was utterly failing to provide for my daughter. So, at the suggestion of a nurse I introduced pumping into my world. This worked, not only to give my poor nipples a break, but also to allow B to take a night shift and me to get a little sleep. But I still felt like somehow I'd failed.
Fast forward to Jamie's one month birthday (today). I've definately had my ups and downs with breastfeeding and have sought help 3 times since coming home. The last time was because I was afraid she wasn't getting enough milk from me due to the way she was feeding, but she'd gained almost 1/2 a pound in 5 days... the doctor assured me that we were doing fine.
I still get some pain, which I need to address, but it's no longer toe curling agony. Jamie now zeros in on the target and latches with no problem. Though now we are dealing with me having too much milk that she gets overwhelmed when she latches. To the point that it dribbles out her nose.
I've also started (emphasis on started) to accept the fact that right now my one true role is to be her Udder, at her beck and call, ready to provide her whole food source. On many days this has meant just hanging out on the couch, one boob constantly at the ready as she goes through many hours of snoozing for a few minutes, then snacking, then snoozing. Thank god a new season of tv is starting up, because the tedium of tv is starting to wear me thin.
We also continue to pump breastmilk where possible to allow me at least one long nap during the day/night, and now we are introducing a little formula into the mix. Again, the formula is to allow for others to feed her and me to take a bit of a break, but I'm still very cautious about how much we give her because, frankly, the ingredients of formula scare the crap out of me.
Biggest lesson, take in all the information out there, then let your gut guide you. AND don't let other people's opinions sway my decisions. A lot of people have tried to make me feel guilty for pumping, then for introducing a little formula (including community nurses to complete strangers!), but I know that I am a highly intelligent woman that is making informed decisions for the well being of both babe and mother.
So, yes I consider myself my daughter's Udder and Mother... and I'm learning and growing just as fast as she is! =)
